In montagna piu che altro e` importante conoscere i propri limiti.
Conosciamo meglio quando ci vediamo davanti al impossibile.
Oggi da una certa distanza sono anche contento di essere fallito tante volte.
Ho dimostrato con questo che sono veramente andato vicino al mio limite.

(On mountains more than anything it is important to know one’s limits.
[These] we understand better when we see ourselves in front of the impossible.
Today from a certain distance I am even glad to have failed many times.
I demonstrated with this that I truly went close to my limit.)

Boston Globe
March 30, 1989

CHINA GRANTS VISA TO FORMER DIPLOMAT

Author: Associated Press
Edition: FIRST
Section: NATIONAL/FOREIGN
Page: 11

Article Text:

ROME — China will grant an exit visa to a former diplomat whose pregnant Italian wife has been staging a protest in a camper outside the Chinese Embassy, a diplomatic counseler said yesterday. Patrizia Riccardi has been been living in the camper for more than a week to try to induce Chinese authorities to give a visa to Zhu Juwang, who quit his post at the United Nations in Geneva. China contends that Zhu, 28, resigned voluntarily and that they replaced his diplomatic passport with an ordinary one after his marriage to Riccardi last year in Beijing. The second passport was confiscated after he wrote a letter to the United Nations that the Chinese contend was scandalous.

Memo:
US / WORLD NEWS BRIEFS

Copyright 1989, 1998 Globe Newspaper Company
Record Number: 00018269

The cultural norms reflected in body piercing are various. They may include religion, spirituality, fashion, eroticism, conformism, or subcultural identification.
(Body Piercing, Wikipedia)

All idiotic reasons or motivations. Any intentional self-mutilation is a sign of depravity and slave-mentality. The defeated and captured people were often mutilated– hands, ears, nose cut off. Afterwards the slave identifies with this mark, and makes it on himself when there is no one else to make it on him.

The fact that women pierce their ears (and still wear things such as high heels, the modern foot binding) is only evidence for how much slave mentality still exists within them (due to the past, culture– not because of natural reasons– I criticize the female gender, not the sex). The subcultures that are so resentful of– and hide within themselves such a large sense of rejection from– mainstream culture another example. As for the mainstream, herd mentality explains everything.

All this goes the same for tattoo’s as well. Frankly– yet another source for me of disgust and revulsion at most human beings. To me the level of depravity hidden in piercing and tattooing oneself is equivalent to those who choose to mix themselves with animals.

The noble body is whole and natural– like Greek or Roman statues.

With regards to KJB– growing increasingly suspicious that others’ influence (family, friends) led her to her decisions. Not that it matters– even taking such things into account, KJB decided to listen to those over her own feelings. I cannot shake this feeling– much because of the way things ended (kissing, holding hands, telling each other we loved one another)– that it was someone else who told her what moves to make– someone else who did not know me, and the real dynamics and history of the relationship. KJB had an opportunity to make a great personal leap with us– in terms of responsibility, commitment, perseverance, also a stronger personal will rather than having to give way to what others thought– much good was thrown away. Anyway it is not my problem anymore, though I feel that much of this must be thought out, the absurdity of it must be understood.

As for things, the trend of feeling increasingly less guilty about events has only increased. Rereading many conversations and emails (especially earlier ones) I saw incredibly clearly how KJB tried to make me feel insecure. Incredibly snide and arrogant at some points, even. Maybe even– mean? Things she would say or do, airs she would create about herself. This, is in the end how things went: I was as I usually am– proud, confident, increasingly secure person. KJB was not, though she pretended and gave the illusion of being so (she said many times during our relationship how she felt like she had “tricked” me into being with her by making me believe she was strong and secure when in reality she was a mess). KJB was insecure, and so she did and said things that made me feel insecure. At first, these things had no effect. I remember in China how much these things I found totally beneath me, how I was totally secure in myself. But repetitively, over time and after being rejected twice, they started having a very strong effect. KJB’s insecurities drove her to make me insecure as a way to control me and so that she could feel she could keep me (this was after all the benefit of having an insecure and jealous boyfriend– despite all the negative things one for sure knows that one is desired and wanted). Of course at this point KJB knew that I would be with her despite her insecurities, so she suffered the effects of her previous behavior. Karma, one could say– a lesson for all girls– do not demean a man you one day hope to be with. KJB reaped what she had sowed. What a shame that it is only now that I finally understand all this.

This is on top of all the doubts I had about her– which ended up being true.

In any case, I can see how one who saw my behavior (which I am not in any way excusing) without the background could come to certain conclusions about me– a mistake on their part too– judging without knowing. Despite all my weakness, my youth, so many things– I saw without any sense of arrogance or exaggerated self-worth that KJB has lost a good man, a rare man.

Unfortunately a bad mix– I am a very honest and candid person, I do not hide any motives– KJB “tricked” me, manipulated me (something one ought never do, as with KJB one always pays a price for it).

Even though it will not happen, I have given much thought about what would happen if KJB came back. I may be going to Stockholm, we may even be in Italy at the same time at one point. It will not happen but I must be prepared in case it does. I trust the way my heart feels about this– if she were to come back before mid-200806 with the right apologies and with a good understanding about things, I will give it another chance. Otherwise, past that, no matter how she comes back (or earlier without it being correct) I will quite simply say “No.”. It was I after all who made a concession– considering all that I had been put through– in 200712. I have given this person enough chances, and frankly it is time to move on to prospects with more potential.

Now my heart is firm, and I feel free, though I know there is much suffering and hurt to still live out. This has been, after all, a major disappointment. I hope with much good will that for her own good KJB will see clearly one day what exactly went on with this. It will make much of a difference in her life to even understand it. As for me, it’s time to move on.

Dreams:
Dreamt that KJB and I met near St. Paul’s cathedral in London. Talked about various things, but I got annoyed that we were spending time and not getting together. As I began to leave she told me to stay (this was the part of the dream that struck me the most), that she had not gotten to the point of telling me that she wanted that.

Dreamt of having to take endlessly long train rides in dark tunnels to get to HM. I’ve had this dream before.

Dreamt of taking a class at HM on secret message decryption. Nothing to do with cryptography– the messages were usually normal looking messages (though the words did not make sense) or drawings. Very strange. Anyway a hermeneutics type thing. As usual this was at the HM of my dreams (castle like building).

Another aspect as to why I and the age cannot get along: caste. Aside from all the self-deceptive talk of equality amongst humankind, this age prizes highest of all the entertainer caste and the merchant caste. The warrior caste as lowest. Salaries reflect this, what people admire reflect this.

The effects of democracy and mob– the most useless and vulgar castes are elevated to the top. It is no wonder that with aristocracy it was the precise opposite. The jester was a fool, the merchant dirty.

No greater example of parasite than the merchant. He makes himself intermediary where none is needed. Provides nothing, only gets in between and expects others to give to him for that. A mere “trader”– useless otherwise.

The entertainer equally worthless. Necessary only for those who are tired, exhausted, weak, need distraction. Leisure– in the sun, walking, reading, thinking, learning– is one thing. Entertainment a total other– one does not participate except for watching, being herded, being deceived, hypnotized, tricked– by someone else. Perhaps this is too harsh. Perhaps the entertainer is needed. However, as the Romans did– the entertainers were the slave class.

The warrior caste as extreme opposite. Useful, versatile, confrontational, adaptive. Can create, can destroy, can guard. Good not only for war but other projects as well– adaptive labor force. In permanent contact with reality.

In 2000 years, we have gone from the soldiers making the entertainers slaves to the entertainers making soldiers slaves. Deception has beat out force. Every dog has his day, perhaps. Thinking from an ethical perspective, however, with values in mind– many things were better then.

My vision: Greco-Roman culture with today’s technology and innovations.

My cousins show me their new shoes–two pairs of red Converse All-Stars– and ask me if I like how they look. I tell them that they should not ask me, because I do not prioritize how things look but what they are capable of.

Watching my cousins grow up, enter adolescence– choosing to try to be in, to be popular, to impress others, all these struggles to fit in. In the end one of the critical marks of a person: whether one chooses to be a nonconformist or a conformist. Also whether one chooses to pretend to be a nonconformist– the “counter-culture” kids and so on– all those who are apart from the large herd to form their own little herd. Nonconformist individuals are rare. This is one of the major distinctions between I and most others. Also major difficulty in forming relationships, friendship. MST, KJB, all pretend nonconformists– maybe not even that. Always distance between other people and I. I’ve always carved my own path, always set myself aside, never had any interest in being like others or fitting in– in fact, disgusted by those who do this. Going at one’s own speed, trailblazing, forming one’s one trajectory, having personal objectives, creating rather than borrowing or adopting values, doctrines, everything “My Way”– this has distinguished me from others, but also separated me from them.

You run ahead? Are you doing it as a shepherd? Or as an exception? A third case would be as a fugitive. First question of conscience.

Are you genuine? Or merely an actor? A representative? Or that which is represented? In the end, perhaps you are merely a copy of an actor. Second question of conscience.

Are you one who looks on? Or one who lends a hand? Or one who looks away and walks off? Third question of conscience.

Do you want to walk along? Or walk ahead? Or walk by yourself? One must know what one wants and that one wants. Fourth question of conscience.
(Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, 37-40)

The typical forms of self-formation. Or: the eight principal questions.
1. Whether one wants to be more multifarious or simpler?
2. Whether one wants to become happier or more indifferent to happiness and unhappiness?
3. Whether one wants to become more contented with oneself or more exacting and inexorable?
4. Whether one wants to become softer, more yielding, more human, or more “inhuman”?
5. Whether one wants to become more prudent or more ruthless?
6. Whether one wants to reach a goal or to avoid all goals (as, e.g., the philosopher does who smells a boundary, a nook, a prison, a stupidity in every goal)?
7. Whether one wants to become more respected or more feared? Or more despised?
8. Whether one wants to become tyrant or seducer or shepherd or herd animal?
(Friedrich Nietzsche, The Will to Power, 909)