Start: 20080516 [20:5|137] ~1245 UTC
End: 20080516 [20:5|137] 1306 UTC
Location: Traversa Giulio Cesare, 80125, Napoli, Campania, Italia
Timezone: UTC+2

The cultural norms reflected in body piercing are various. They may include religion, spirituality, fashion, eroticism, conformism, or subcultural identification.
(Body Piercing, Wikipedia)

All idiotic reasons or motivations. Any intentional self-mutilation is a sign of depravity and slave-mentality. The defeated and captured people were often mutilated– hands, ears, nose cut off. Afterwards the slave identifies with this mark, and makes it on himself when there is no one else to make it on him.

The fact that women pierce their ears (and still wear things such as high heels, the modern foot binding) is only evidence for how much slave mentality still exists within them (due to the past, culture– not because of natural reasons– I criticize the female gender, not the sex). The subcultures that are so resentful of– and hide within themselves such a large sense of rejection from– mainstream culture another example. As for the mainstream, herd mentality explains everything.

All this goes the same for tattoo’s as well. Frankly– yet another source for me of disgust and revulsion at most human beings. To me the level of depravity hidden in piercing and tattooing oneself is equivalent to those who choose to mix themselves with animals.

The noble body is whole and natural– like Greek or Roman statues.

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Start: 20080516 [20:5|137] ~1620 UTC
End: 20080516 [20:5|137] 1648 UTC
Location: Traversa Giulio Cesare, 80125, Napoli, Campania, Italia
Timezone: UTC+2

With regards to KJB– growing increasingly suspicious that others’ influence (family, friends) led her to her decisions. Not that it matters– even taking such things into account, KJB decided to listen to those over her own feelings. I cannot shake this feeling– much because of the way things ended (kissing, holding hands, telling each other we loved one another)– that it was someone else who told her what moves to make– someone else who did not know me, and the real dynamics and history of the relationship. KJB had an opportunity to make a great personal leap with us– in terms of responsibility, commitment, perseverance, also a stronger personal will rather than having to give way to what others thought– much good was thrown away. Anyway it is not my problem anymore, though I feel that much of this must be thought out, the absurdity of it must be understood.

As for things, the trend of feeling increasingly less guilty about events has only increased. Rereading many conversations and emails (especially earlier ones) I saw incredibly clearly how KJB tried to make me feel insecure. Incredibly snide and arrogant at some points, even. Maybe even– mean? Things she would say or do, airs she would create about herself. This, is in the end how things went: I was as I usually am– proud, confident, increasingly secure person. KJB was not, though she pretended and gave the illusion of being so (she said many times during our relationship how she felt like she had “tricked” me into being with her by making me believe she was strong and secure when in reality she was a mess). KJB was insecure, and so she did and said things that made me feel insecure. At first, these things had no effect. I remember in China how much these things I found totally beneath me, how I was totally secure in myself. But repetitively, over time and after being rejected twice, they started having a very strong effect. KJB’s insecurities drove her to make me insecure as a way to control me and so that she could feel she could keep me (this was after all the benefit of having an insecure and jealous boyfriend– despite all the negative things one for sure knows that one is desired and wanted). Of course at this point KJB knew that I would be with her despite her insecurities, so she suffered the effects of her previous behavior. Karma, one could say– a lesson for all girls– do not demean a man you one day hope to be with. KJB reaped what she had sowed. What a shame that it is only now that I finally understand all this.

This is on top of all the doubts I had about her– which ended up being true.

In any case, I can see how one who saw my behavior (which I am not in any way excusing) without the background could come to certain conclusions about me– a mistake on their part too– judging without knowing. Despite all my weakness, my youth, so many things– I saw without any sense of arrogance or exaggerated self-worth that KJB has lost a good man, a rare man.

Unfortunately a bad mix– I am a very honest and candid person, I do not hide any motives– KJB “tricked” me, manipulated me (something one ought never do, as with KJB one always pays a price for it).

Even though it will not happen, I have given much thought about what would happen if KJB came back. I may be going to Stockholm, we may even be in Italy at the same time at one point. It will not happen but I must be prepared in case it does. I trust the way my heart feels about this– if she were to come back before mid-200806 with the right apologies and with a good understanding about things, I will give it another chance. Otherwise, past that, no matter how she comes back (or earlier without it being correct) I will quite simply say “No.”. It was I after all who made a concession– considering all that I had been put through– in 200712. I have given this person enough chances, and frankly it is time to move on to prospects with more potential.

Now my heart is firm, and I feel free, though I know there is much suffering and hurt to still live out. This has been, after all, a major disappointment. I hope with much good will that for her own good KJB will see clearly one day what exactly went on with this. It will make much of a difference in her life to even understand it. As for me, it’s time to move on.