Start: 20080505 [19:1|126] ~2030 UTC
End: 20080505 [19:1|126] 2152 UTC
Location: via Barberia 12, 40123, Bologna, Emilia-Romagna, Italia
Timezone: UTC+2

I woke up at 0320 this morning. I dressed and packed. Nonna was up and she handed me some stuff to take down and chatted with me a bit. At 0345, dressed and packed up, I went downstairs.

I was only there a few minutes until the cab arrived. I loaded my pack in the trunk, then got in. The streets were empty and the driver was efficient, so it took about 15min or less to arrive at Napoli Centrale. He got out my pack, commented on how heavy it was (it wasn’t, really). I payed him (20 Euro), got my change, and walked away. Compared to the last time I took a taxi in Napoli (on 20080101, trying to catch an early train to go see KJB in Rome, while sick) the driver was very good and well mannered, which was nice.

Being back at the station was strange. This was where KJB had departed on 20080502. I was on track 15, the same one she left from. I felt like the soldiers in Platoon going back to an ugly place, “the scene of the crime”. I took a few photographs. There were a lot of immigrants around, mostly Arabs or Turks, I’m not sure. At one point someone started shouting obscenities at them, calling them “fedayeen” talking about how Italy had civilized their world and that they were all in for it. Some things he said were quite vulgar and brutal. The men did not reply to the provocation. There was police there, who did nothing. The man walked away.

The train arrived around 0425. The front cars behind the locomotive were unusual, and holding a few automobiles here and there. Had not seen something like it before. As I walked towards the passenger cars, I noticed a lot of activity, like ants. As I got closer I noticed dozens and dozens of immigrants taking many boxes off the train, from nearly all the cars. It seemed like a kind of strange transport or supply operation. They got a dozen boxes per car off in only a couple of minutes. then they got off too, carrying with them some simple metallic trolleys. It was interesting, unusual. I got on the train, found a car with only one dude in it, got in, put my pack on the opposite chair, and reclined. The man, who looked like he was in his late twenties, woke up and started eating a sandwich. He smelled, only very faintly, of marijuana. I lay back and closed my eyes. At 0433, he asked me something which I did not understand. He spoke Spanish. I figured out he was asking if he had time to grab a water bottle from the machines on the track. The train was supposed to leave at 0433, so I told him no, but offered him some of mine, which he took, then thanked me. The train started to move and I went to sleep.

It did not really feel like sleep. I woke up at one spot and thought we had arrived, but instead it was still dark outside. I was surprised that despite having felt like sleeping, time was passing so slowly. At another stop (or was it at that one?) another mad got on. I couldn’t tell if he was polizia or a security guard. He sat down on the opposite side, next to the pack. I went back to sleep. At 0705 or so we arrived in Roma. The Spanish dude asked me if it was Rome, I told him yes. Picked up my pack and moved out. Got off the train.

In Roma it was cool and humid. Gray weather. I thought about KJB, about how the times I had spent with her here, about how many times I had been to Roma Termini recently. In the past, before this trip, maybe I had been there only once or twice. Now it has really taken the position of hub, I don’t know how many times and memories I have of it now. It is a charged place, emotionally, in the same way that San Martino is a charged place, for me. Strange. Anyway, I felt down and walked to my train, on track 5. I walked down to car number 9, boarded. I put my pack by the luggage compartment near the doors, then walked to seat 43, sat down. I had a peach fruit juice carton, a peach yogurt, and a plain “bianco” yogurt. Then I tried to rest. A middle aged couple got on, and the man insisted the seat that I was in was number 41, even though it wasn’t. Because 43 was by the window and 41 was by the aisle, I switched without saying anything, since I prefer the aisle and wanted to be able to get up and go check on my pack often. Even though I was not bothered by it and actually gained something from it, I could not help but wonder why he had such an uppity attitude about it, instead of simply saying if it was alright for me to switch seats so that he could sit across from his wife. The train left at 0730.

I went to sleep. I recall noticing that I probably slept with my mouth wide open in front of everyone, which is what happens when I sleep very little. It was funny and helped me off to sleep. When we stopped at Firenze I got up and walked to my pack and stayed with it until the doors were closed and we were heading to Bologna. I woke up just as the train pulled into Bologna. I got up and moved out just as the doors opened. From there I walked quickly to class, noticing the shitty weather in Bologna.

I walked all the way to class, and got there late. I dropped my bag in the hallway, and went in. We talked about how the parties and Italian government has evolved in the last twenty years, running up from Tangentopoli all the way to this year’s election. As usual, the class reinforced my belief that the political system here is broken, outdated, and in need of an overhaul. The one thing this country needs– a new constitution– is something it won’t get until things get worse. Italy is a perfect example of a place where the faster things go bad, the better it will likely recover. Right now, mediocrity, feeble attempts to stave off decline. If only they let things crash and burn, and start again on a tabula rasa…

After class (1200) I walked back to the dorm, noticing as I walked up how much the place felt and looked like a prison. I unpacked a bit, got online, and wrote to my parents as I ate some frittata that Nonna had prepared for me. I checked out some other stuff online, figured out what to do for my RyanAir tickets, replied to some Facebook posts from JAB, then organized. Then I took out my sleeping bag and went to sleep. I slept from 1400 or so until 1620. I got up, showered, and took care of some laundry. I had not washed my shorts, boxers and socks in a couple of days, and I was quite relieved to finally take care of it. I also washed my pants and my SmartWool mid-layer.

After taking care of these, I began moving forward with final gear acquisitions for the TMB-WHR. I wrote to SM and FC, trying to organize some appointments. Began packing for moving out of here. I’ll have a lot of stuff to take down with me to Napoli on 20080508– I’m not sure yet how I’ll manage. I’ll probably have two backpacks and a luggage (non towable), probably over 40kg of stuff. 45min to get from class to the station. We’ll see.

MM came in around 2000 hours. It was nice having him back for a change. We chatted for a bit about recent events, public and private. At around 2115 or so we went down and cooked dinner together. Pasta with some tomato and fish sauce. I also made myself some chamomile with tea. We chatted a bit while talking, but it was difficult. The American ECCO kids, at a big table, were shouting and yelling. The room has a lot of echo so it was at some points quite painful for the ears. I thought about my return to Wesleyan this Fall. I’m not really looking forward to it, but I hope that I’ll be more ready for it, and find a good balance. I can’t say I am looking forward to being back in the college bubble. I’ve always hated it. In any case, I came to the conclusion that basically things suck everywhere, but in different ways. Life is pick your poison.

I washed the dishes afterwards, then went upstairs. I replied quickly to a few emails and then began writing this. Fuck. I forgot to register my start time. I’ll have to guesstimate it. In any case, that is everything for now. I’m not sure what I’ll do the rest of the night.

Tomorrow I have to be up early. I have a train at 0840 for Forli, to meet up with SM. I have to return to him a laptop he lent me last semester. Dear lord. To think that last semester I was without Ulysses (my laptop) and I had first no computer, then SM’s, then MGR’s. I don’t know how I ever pulled through (in large part, thanks to Linux). Anyway, it will be good to wake up early and to get out of Bologna, even though I don’t really feel like moving around much. If I get back early I might go workout. We’ll see.

As for tonight, I’ll write a few emails, pack some more maybe, work on TMB-WHR maybe. I’m pretty tired, so hopefully I’ll hit the sack soon. Not much else. Should try to call my family.

Otherwise, I’m doing alright. Now, I am so-so. Most of today, especially coming back and my time here before 2000 I was doing pretty badly. That is probably how I am truly feeling. Sometimes I feel quite motivated and hopeful. But overall, I am still very hurt, sad, disappointed, angry. This whole thing is absurd. Mostly an effect I think from illusions and appearances versus reality. I expected my story with KJB to last a long time if not forever, at least most pessimistically to end in August. Then because of the distance or other such things. I felt like the hard part had almost just been over, like now I would be spending more time with her– exactly what the relationship needed. I felt like she had brought a certain promise and commitment. Then when we met on 20080502, kissing, crying, holding hands, telling each other we loved each other. It just feels absurd, stupid, counter-instinctive. Instead here it is again, the same old shit. Quitting, lack of commitment… wavering or ambiguous desire as to whether be in a relationship or not. In any case, it’s hard to go through. Reminders everywhere. At the same time, pressure. Academic pressure. Pressure from personal projects. I still have TMB-WHR to go through and I really hope I’ll be in a better state then than I am now. I need to be calm and clearheaded for that journey, otherwise there is no way I’ll be able to achieve the primary objective. Practical concerns for that as well. What a mess.

Anyway, 15min until midnight, so I’m going to wrap this up. I hope to post other journal entries soon.