Start: 20080424 [17:3|114] ~2130 UTC
End: 20080424 [17:3|114] 2223 UTC
Location: via Barberia 12, 40123, Bologna, Emilia-Romagna, Italia
Timezone: UTC+2

I went to sleep this morning at around 0500, I think. Possibly later.

I won’t go over now what took place in the first hours of today. Things with KJB, which have been going badly since 20080418, sank to the bottom. Mostly, my fault. I got what I deserved– I suffered the consequences of my weakness and defects (Homer was right when he had Zeus say that most of mankind’s suffering comes from their own deficiencies). That is, sadly, the only way one learns sometimes. Unfortunately it is also at the bottom where much is revealed as well, and I saw in KJB some truths that I have yet to reconcile myself with. I am being cryptic now, I guess, but now is really not the time to cover what happened. Suffice to say, the result was that I was heartbroken.

I talked to my aunt (MGR) and my mother (PR) and I got a call and an email from my father (JZ). They were very supportive. In the right way, too– being frank about my mistakes and failures, offering insight, also just providing support, being there, and so many other things. It was nice, most of all for me to have a place that I could go to and still be loved despite my personal failures– especially since it was these same failures that had driven one that I loved away from me.

Summa summarum: I suffered, but I had my family’s support, and I made it through the night.

My dear friend, what is this our life? A boat that swims in the sea, and all one knows for certain about it is that one day it will capsize. Here we are, two good old boats that have been faithful neighbors, and above all your hand has done its best to keep me from “capsizing”! Let us then continue our voyage—each for the other’s sake, for a long time yet, a long time! We should miss each other so much! Tolerably calm seas and good winds and above all sun—what I wish for myself, I wish for you, too, and am sorry that my gratitude can find expression only in such a wish and has no influence at all on wind or weather!

(Friedrich Nietzsche, Letter to Franz Overbeck: November 14, 1881)

When I went to bed it was getting light out. I awoke to a bright and sunny day, a couple of minutes after 1000. I was late for class, so I dressed quickly and went out without showering and eating breakfast. I sat in class until 1200, we discussed the spread of fascism in Europe and a few other things. I made my way back to the dorm, and right as I was about to enter, KJB called. She confirmed that she would indeed not be coming down today. I told her how I felt about it as I walked upstairs back to my room. I was very nervous and hurt and I don’t think I said everything right or in the right tone. But I think overall my message to her was honest and clear. At something around 1210, I told her I loved her, but I got no reply to that. We decided to talk “later”.

I talked to my mother briefly after that, and then I went to nap. I napped for about two hours, then I got up. Maybe I talked to my mother after the nap. I don’t recall, really. I showered and dressed again shortly after waking up. At around 1500, I went down to cook lunch. Spaghetti with tomato and basil sauce. Then I really noticed how beautiful of a day it was. It was warm today, about 296K. Sunny. Not much of a cool breeze, but that was fine with me. It was good enough. I stood outside in the dorm’s courtyard while I waited for the water to boil and then the pasta to cook. Afterwards I came up and ate. I did not finish, I had cooked too much. But I kept the leftovers.

I wrote a short task list for myself. I reminded myself to eat well, sleep, and get back into shape. Then I wrote down all my academic commitments. I jotted down the TMB-WHR task schedule. I wrote a few tasks regarding the recent events, KJB, relationships… mostly to rethink everything and then write about it. Told myself to get back to the emails that I had not gotten back to. To clean up, to organize both physical space and my data. Finally, to get back to work on my website. There were a million things I could have added (lojban, lisp, reading, etcetera), but I just needed something simple to put everything back into focus. It hurt me that KJB was not on that list except as something to think about, but I knew that it was not my choice for things to be that way.

I packed up my bag with binoculars and two books (Axel Munthe’s Story of San Michele, which KJB gave me, and Nietzsche’s Ecce Homo and Genealogy of Morals). My camera. I looked at the map real quick where the Giardini Margherita were (but not really how to get there– I wanted to wander) and then I headed out. It was beautiful weather out and could not help thinking that this was partly why I came to Italy. I felt better about being in Bologna (though I kept wishing I was in Napoli, instead) and I realized that part of the reason why I think it is so ugly is because I spend too much time indoors, in the same areas I’m used to seeing, and in the uglier parts of town. The southern parts of the city, greener, with more alleyways, older and more private or wealthier and cleaner are much more charming. Or at least, they were as something new. In any case, I walked in the sun, keeping a good rhythm and feeling better.

I reached the gardens and for most of my time there I photographed. It was nice. It was nice to look at the world again looking for beautiful sights. It has been a while since I photographed just for its own sake and it was nice to do again. The heat and the photography reminded me of 200705– especially the period during Fleet Week– where it was sunny and hot and I made it a point to go around and photograph. Thinking about it now, I remember that I got my camera just as I was breaking up with KJB last year (200703). I remember that I was very hurt only for a few days, but then I felt like I was fine– I had taken the breakup better than the one with MST. Looking back on it now, I was generally a little bit more somber than usual until those days in 200705. In any case, the whole time, I recall the camera was my way of getting out into the world, out of my room, and it was a way for me to handle the pain. I guess today was another case of that. In any case, I walked around, snapping away. At one point, on a little bridge over a pond, while about to snap a photo of some ducks (always for me a symbol of companionship), I heard someone call out my name. I turned around and it was BF and CP and it was good to see them. I told them what had happened vaguely, and they were quite nice about it. Despite seeing them rarely now, I still consider them among those I trust (in general I think with the kids from last semester, even though I barely see them now) and a good couple (always good to see things working). I let them on their way after a few minutes and continued walking.

I don’t know why I’m using so many comma’s. It’s been a long time since I’ve been writing, I guess. And I am really taking too long with this.

The park was full of people. Families, kids, adolescents, Italians, immigrants, old and elderly, couples, me. It was a slice of the world, at ease. I could not help feeling both a great sense of endearment and at the same time, alienation. But overall, I got a positive feeling from it. The weather was great and the sun was casting beautiful, strong shadows. I walked around some more until I just decided to sit on the curb of one of the walkways. I had some water, and then I lay back and just closed my eyes for a few minutes. Despite the sun and positive feelings, I felt something cold tugging me under, and the sadness took over. I thought a bit about what had happened. Then I got up and started walking back.

I took another route coming back, and it was really nice. Another part of Bologna, Viale XII Giugno, which was rather pretty with all the villa’s. I stopped by a little supermarket (Conad) on the way back– it was one of the most non-linear ones ever, in a very old building I think– and I picked up a few beers (Oberdofer, Paulaner Weissbier), which are still in the fridge. Winter generally takes away my desire to drink and it has not really come back at all this time. I generally don’t feel the desire anymore and I have been thinking about quitting it again, completely. We’ll see. The sun and a desire to relax may bring me back to beer and wine, though right now I don’t feel like it. I figured just in case though… generally alcohol does help me unwind a bit, sometimes even write, and it does pop my mood up a bit and fight away the sadness a bit. That is only weakness and a way out, but frankly at this point, notions of strength are very much far away from me. And I’d still rather fare off with some poetry instead, but I don’t remember any really about heartbreak. Terrence so far is not here.

Therefore, since the world has still
Much good, but much less good than ill,
And while the sun and moon endure
Luck’s a chance, but trouble’s sure,
I’d face it as a wise man would,
And train for ill and not for good.
‘Tis true, the stuff I bring for sale
Is not so brisk a brew as ale:
Out of a stem that scored the hand
I wrung it in a weary land.
But take it: if the smack is sour,
The better for the embittered hour;
It should do good to heart and head
When your soul is in my soul’s stead;
And I will friend you, if I may,
In the dark and cloudy day.

(A.E Housman, Terence, this is stupid stuff)

After I got back (around 1800), I unpacked and finished off the pasta. Then I started studying. The sun’s set brought me much sadness, and I felt like I’d lost a companion. Now, since then, it has been darkness and I, and no one else, save perhaps the indifferent glow of the fluorescent light. I took a nap from 1900 or so until 2130, and then, despite wanting to just sleep until 0500, I got up. My aunt called and I talked to her, then I tried calling my mother but the line did not hold. Then my father called me, and it was good to talk to him and get his advice as well. I feel like both give me advice in different ways, and though there is some overlap, mostly it is refreshingly complementary, and I feel very much taken care of. It was nice to hear him sharing about his walks in Shanghai back in the day, and it was a very nice thing to imagine. It is very strange, but sometimes I have a very strong desire to meet my parents when they were my age. It would be interesting to talk to them at 20, with myself at 20. At the very least, maybe good material to write a short story on in the future. In any case, afterwards I worked on setting up the basics of the dwrz:meta.net, and then began writing this.

I’m hoping to get this site back together again, and get back to work on this project in general. I’m planning on setting this component up again, and this time to put my journal, notebook and scrapbook– separate blogs in the old structure– together here. If I get a change to get back on a good connection, I plan to upload photographs to the dwrz:archival.gallery and to Google’s Picasa. In the meantime I’m working on organizing my albums.

Now I plan to finish this up and to get back to studying. Maybe have a chat with my parents. Tomorrow morning I’ll go see about my Philosophical Aesthetics exam, then go to class. Afterwards, depending on how I’m feeling, I will either go to San Luca and go workout or head south to Napoli. So far I’m leaning towards the former, but we’ll see.

Also, IRJ contacted me on Facebook earlier, and it was quite nice, and brought back many memories. But now nostalgia is starting to strike, and I don’t need it on top of everything I have now. So it’s time to wrap up for today (0010 @ UTC+2, so I’ve crossed over into 20080424). My “anniversary” with MST is coming up in a few days, funny to think how important of a date that was to me in the past. It has been 4 years since I met her, and over 2 years since that story has been over. It feels all at once long and short. And confusing. And if KJB had come down, we would now still be on the train towards Bologna.